Many people think that losing weight is a difficult task. People believe that you have to elicit will power and deny oneself of the things they really love. I’m here to tell you that you don’t. I’m here to tell you how to lose 15 pounds overnight. And why should you believe me? Because I invented gluten, GMO’s, whey protein, and olestra. I have to admit that the last one didn’t really work out so well. On paper it looked like a winner but when it went into production and people started shitting in their yoga pants we knew that we should probably put that “ingredient” in the recycling bin. Or on the next North Korean satellite. Funny thing about olestra though… even though it causes people to literally poop themselves, they still ate it. Fat free Doritos or a brown fountain in the pantaloons. Apparently, it was a tougher decision that it appears.
I’m kidding, I didn’t invent any of these things. I know you’re probably disappointed now and may stop reading. That’s fine even though in a few short paragraphs I’m going to reveal the secret of losing 15 pounds overnight. We’ll crack the code of fat loss that has Washington liberals and conservatives scared for their jobs.
When I was a kid in Nebraska trying to keep from losing an appendage in a farm implement, one thing was always on my mind; I wanted to look like a superhero. It was probably due to my dangerously low self-esteem directly related to my white-dude afro that apparently was all the rage in the 80’s. Because of my obsession with growing muscles and losing fat, I started reading voraciously. This was pre-internet days so I had to learn by reading books. Books are a series of pages bound together.
Through my exhaustive research I discovered a little known secret that few people know about and even fewer use. Not for the faint of heart, the methods described below are an immediate and permanent weight and fat loss solution.
The first step to this solution involves finding a sharp knife, machete, or chain saw. I would suggest the chain saw or heavy bladed machete. The second step involves cutting off the right or the left leg, dealer’s choice, approximately 5 inches above the knee. After you remove one of your legs you can determine the exact amount of weight loss by weighing the leg itself or balancing on your scale and subtracting your current weight from your most recent pre-amputation weight. If you desire is to lose more weight you can, at that point, decide to amputate an entire arm or the other leg just below the knee. I don’t recommend amputating both legs for practical purposes.
If you survive the massive hemorrhaging that is sure to ensue, you can rest assured that you have lost a significant amount of weight with minimal effort. “Minimal” is probably the wrong word to use.
If however, you desire to continue bipedal locomotion without the aid of prothstetics, a more traditional approach is probably warranted.
If you are anything like me, you like to enjoy 24-30 double stuff Golden Oreos and a nice glass of 34 degree milk while reading a periodical on a faux wolfskin blanket in front of a faux wood burning fireplace. I like to dip my Oreos in the milk and then eat them. While enjoyable in the moment, I find the self-loathing and inconsistent bowel movements afterwards to be problematic.
I’ve always wanted to have a body like the guys from the movie “300.” Hell, I’d take “125” to be completely transparent.
So therein lies the rub. 1200 grams of carbohydrates doesn’t really lend itself to having veins in my abs. To be fair, we all have veins in our abs it’s just a question of the amount of fat that covers them. Our abs, that is. So what is one to do?
For me it’s a constant struggle. On one hand, I have ample amounts of knowledge on the subject of weight loss and fat reduction. I would say I even have a fair amount of experience in not only losing large percentages of fat but also keeping it off and staying lean. When I say “lean” I refer to a body fat percentage of below 15%. I struggle because I love to eat and I love sweets. Any sweets really but my weakness is generally cake and cookies. The Golden Oreos are my achilles heal. I simply can’t stop eating them. I don’t know if it’s the taste, the “mouth feel” or what, I just eat them and eat them. And yes, “mouth feel” is a thing.
So, I figured… just exercise it all away. I got into triathlon to lose fat and get fit. The problem with working out for long periods of time is that it makes me hungry… very hungry. I did lose weight and have lost weight participating in endurance sports, but if I’m not careful I can pack it right back on. For instance, it’s February now and I participated in Ironman Austin 70.3 last November. On the day of the race I probably weighted 195. Today I’m at 211. To be fair, I fell way off the wagon and started eating whatever I wanted and began a period of “un-training”, so kind of a double whammy on the ole waste line.
I think another one of my issues is what my mother would call “An Addictive Personality.” Full transparency here, I’m an alcoholic, not a practicing one, I’ve been sober for over 11 years. So my thought process is if I can stop drinking, I should be able to stop eating sweets. Or at least I should be able to stop eating excessive amounts of sweets. This weekend I got a car of the “fuck its” and ate almost an entire package of Golden Oreos and a 1/2 gallon, or whatever size it is, of peanut butter cup ice cream.
My brother calls this “stress eating.” I would have to agree to the term but I would like to call it “pleasure binging.” Since I don’t drink anymore I guess it’s the way that I cope. Again though, I know what I should be doing or shouldn’t be doing. I should eat healthy foods and indulge infrequently. Problem is, I don’t do that.
Since I started participating in endurance sports, I’ve lost a total of 45 pounds. I’m back up to a total weight loss of 30 pounds now. I really don’t have a reason for this. Again, I know what to do I just don’t do it. Maybe it’s a question of motivation. Maybe I don’t want it enough.
That doesn’t really explain the “on” or “off” mentality I have. When I’m on, I’m good. When I’m off, I’m way off to the point of crazy ass binging. I seek the middle part of the pendulum swing. Be healthy while still enjoying some sweets. Easier said that done. What did I do in the past to lose the weight? By the way, this is a judge free zone and if anyone asked me what they should do I probably wouldn’t recommend this.
- I rarely at breakfast. I always tried to workout on an empty stomach in the morning. However, when my workouts got longer, I would eat before I work out. Anyway, I would rarely eat pre-workout, work out, and then not eat until after the workout. I drank a lot of coffee and water.
- I found some great alternatives to sweets. I wrote another article about my go to foods for my sweet tooth.
- I calculated my total calorie consumption on myfitnesspal.
- I didn’t let myfitnesspal lie to me.
- I try to eat treats, sparingly.
- I worked out regularly.
I’ve also gone the route of the low-carb or Paleo Diet. While I did lose weight on these types of diets, I found that I had issues with fueling for longer and more intense workouts. I guess there are just no easy answers with this.
I still hope that I can someday get my binge eating under control. It’s not really binge eating I need to get under control, it’s the eating for extreme pleasure, eating to inoculate myself from whatever malaise is currently affecting me.
We’ll see how it goes. In the mean time, if you want to lose 15 pounds overnight go for the process above. There are no “do overs” though so be sure.
Just to be sure, I’m not suggesting that anyone should actually amputate their own legs or arms. Go to a board certified medical doctor for this.